Silver and Cold
by vipper902
Summary: Love is never easy. For one member of the Inuyasha, love has changed everything. (yaoi, songfic, character death, angst, angst and more angst.)


Disclaimer: I do not own anything. *twitches* Really, I don't!

A/N: Um...yah. Pervert alert! THIS IS WRONG! AND THIS IS YAOI! RUN AWAY EDDY! Um...never mind that last bit. Anyway, this is yaoi. Slash. Two dudes ok? And it's wrong...very wrong. I shuddered when I wrote this. No flames for the pairing. And no I'm not telling you who it is, but come on, ya'll are smart, you can figure it out. And this is really sad, just to warn you, tear jerker! Get the tissues! Or...not...

~~~

I know you felt me watching you, eyes drilling holes into your neck, but you didn't care. You just kept on walking. With each step you took I felt it become a little harder to breath, a littler harder to keep in the tears, but you still kept walking. I told you that I loved you, that I would always love you, and that I would stay with you forever. You told me you were sorry. Sorry for making me love you. If you were so sorry, then why were you leaving me? 

Was it something I did? Was I pushing you away? I couldn't remember that. But I wasn't very good at remembering things anymore. Maybe I held you so closely that I was suffocating you. I never wanted to do that. I only wanted you to see. I wanted you to understand. I didn't care what they said about you. I didn't care that killed. I saw you kill more then once. I only remember those two times. That night that you had killed him, and when you murdered that villager.

I don't know why he came, all I know is that he was there and had said something that angered you. I remember that look in your eyes when you ripped him in half. You were consumed with anger and rage and hatred. Did he say something about me? You looked at me, waiting expectantly for me to do something, anything. Do you remember what I said?

I don't really remember right now. But I guess I don't remember much of anything that happens. All I know is that I held you and kissed you and told you that no matter what you did I would stay with you. Maybe that's why you killed him like that in front of me. That was the first time I had ever seen anyone killed so ruthlessly. Did you think that by standing there like that, with blood covering your hands, that I would run away from you? I never did understand anything you did. 

_I... I came here in day_

_But I left here in darkness_

_And found you... found you on the way_

You saved me. I didn't know why. You wouldn't tell me why. I asked you again and again why you didn't let me die that day, but you just told me that I didn't need to know. And stupidly, I believed you. Did you know I believed you loved me? I thought that you brought me back because you were sorry for all of the things you had done to me the first time around; brought me back to make up for it all. 

I remember the first time you kissed me. I was outside in the woods. It was fall, that I can remember. Leaves were falling all around me. I was feeling strangely content, and had wandered away from everyone. Then I saw you. At first I was afraid. You had this look in your eyes, this look that made me want to run, but I didn't. I was paralyzed as you stalked towards me. I realized in that instant just how beautiful you were. Your long silver hair was flowing around you. Your kimono hung to you as the wind blew against your figure. You were there, in all of your glory, plus that ridiculous armor and fluffy thing you always had, and you were getting closer. Soon you were close enough to touch. I reached out my hand, running my fingertips over the violet scratches on your cheeks. Then you kissed me.

I melted into that kiss. It was the first time anyone had ever kissed me. It was perfect, but I was afraid. I was afraid because it was you. I was afraid because when I wanted to get closer, I was pressing myself against your armor, reminding me that if I go to close to you, that I would be hurt. I didn't want you to hurt me. But it was that kiss, and the ones that followed it, that made me feel alive again. The world could have been coming to an end, time might have stopped, but it was all ok because you were kissing me. Everything would always be ok as long as you wanted me. 

_Now it is silver and silent_

_It is silver and cold_

_You in somber resplendence I hold_

You told me that you wouldn't let me be in your dreams. You told me that you wouldn't let me haunt you. You weren't going to be driven mad by thoughts about a worthless human. Your words betrayed your actions. Your voice was harsh, but your touches were gentle. Your kisses were soft and sweet and I drowned in them. You ran your hands through my brown hair, and you sighed against my lips, and you told me that one day you would kill me. One day you would realize your weakness and destroy me. And then you asked me to stay with you. I didn't understand, but I said yes, because you were still kissing me and God's, I never wanted you to stop. 

I don't know how long it was. Days, months, years maybe. I don't even think you were paying attention. Nothing mattered. There was only you, and me, and those kisses, and those mornings when we woke up and the sun was out and all I could do was smile at you. I only saw you smile a few times, and most of it was at my expense.

I remember the first time you smiled. It was when you had first taken me with you. You were kissing me and touching me, and it felt so good I thought I was dying, but I didn't care. I kissed you back. You told me that they were going to hate me. They were going to think that I betrayed them by being with you. You told me that if I ever got back to them alive, that he would smell you on me, and then he could kill me himself. I couldn't help but smile then, even though I was crying. You asked me why I was happy. I told you, with much embarrassment on my part, that you smelled good. And you did. You smelled like the woods at midnight and rain and power. I never did mind having your scent on me. Then you smiled. It was really a ghost of a smirk, the slight twitching of your lips, but you did. I made you happy. You were happy and I was happy and I didn't understand why we just couldn't be happy together.

I told you that I loved you. I remember that day. We were outside in the garden, and I was bleeding because you had bit my shoulder while making love to me. It was warm, but I still snuggled closer to you. You always did get tense when I snuggled up to you. You told me that you were sorry. That if you could take it back you would. You didn't mean to break me; you didn't mean to make me love you. 

_Your sins into me_

_Oh my beautiful one_

_Your sins into me_

_As your rapturous voice escapes I will tremble a prayer_

_And I beg for forgiveness_

_Your sins into me_

_Your sins into me_

_Oh my beautiful one_

I asked you once, that night, if you loved me. That was the night when it had snowed. We were inside, and I was kissing you, and you were telling me not to. I asked you why you never let me touch you. I asked you if you loved me. You were silent. You didn't say anything for such a long time, I wondered if you had gone mute. You took my hands in your own, and you watched me for the longest time. You told me that you didn't allow yourself to love. That the closest things you had to human emotions were hate and desire. Did you ever tell me which emotion you felt for me? I don't remember. 

I hated you sometimes. You took me away from everything, from my family and friends, and you used me. Were you using me? I know you hurt me, but it was all right because I loved you. There were nights when you wouldn't even look at me. I know you hated whatever it was that you felt for me. Your father had let himself become weak, had died because of his love for a human. Your brother had done the same thing. He had been hurt and caught up in a web of lies and deceit because of his love for a priestess. I hated you for resenting your feelings for me. I just wanted you to love me. Why wouldn't you just love me?

I didn't understand what I felt for you any more then you understood what you felt for me. You were beautiful, I knew that. You were always beautiful. You looked like an angel when you were sleeping. It sounds silly, but you were always so peaceful. I remember those nights when you would hold me in your arms, and you would tell me that you were sorry for hurting me, and fall asleep murmuring my name softly as you finally let your eyes close. I remember watching you, mapping out every line of your face, so that one day when I wanted to remember what you looked like, I could just pull up a picture of you in my mind.

_Light... like the flutter of wings_

_Feel you hollow voice rushing into me_

_As you're longing to sing_

You watched me like that. I know you did. When I was in the hot springs, I could feel your eyes on me. I remember that look you had. Your face was still stoic, but you couldn't hide that expression in your eyes. I always shivered when I saw that look of lust, making your golden eyes turn almost a dark brown with desire. You knew every curve, every dip of my body, and yet you never let me touch you like that. You didn't want me gaining to much control, did you? 

He came to save me. I don't know why. I suppose that I had always known in the back of my mind that he would come for me. When he did, I thought I could tell him. I knew he would hate me, like you said he would. I thought that you might even let him kill me. You told me yourself that one day you would kill me. Sometimes I was so afraid of you that I just wanted to run. I wanted to get away from you and run until there were countries separating us from one another. Then sometimes I felt safe. It was strange. Lying in your arms, I let myself feel safe, even though I knew that you could have ripped out my throat with one swipe of your claws.

I saw him first. I saw him and I ran away. I didn't want to die. I knew that one day I was going to have to accept my fate, but I didn't want it to be that day. I hid somewhere in the castle. I think I got myself lost. Your castle was huge. I wandered through the labyrinth, thinking about everything that had happened. I wondered if you were still alive. Though you would never admit it, he could have killed you. 

Then I finally found you. It was night outside, and I realized that it was the new moon. Why would he attack you in human form? He would be no match for you like that. Maybe he thought that you wouldn't hurt him. Maybe he thought that by taking me as your lover, you had decided to let go of your hate for him. Then you killed him. I watched you kill him. I closed my eyes and told myself to remember that none of this was real. 

_So I... I will paint you in silver_

_I will wrap you in cold_

_I will lift up your voice as I sink_

Then you looked up at me. Your eyes were red and I ran. I ran so fast and so hard that I thought I was flying. But I was running toward you. I held you in my arms and told you all those things. When you kissed me I felt his blood on your lips. The copper taste entered my mouth and I was sick. I was crying the entire time you made love to me; crying so hard because you had just killed him in cold blood and I hadn't done anything to stop you. I felt my spirit leave me that night; leave me an empty and hollow shell. It was like I was an outside observer, numb to the experience as I watched you take out the rest of your animalistic desires on my broken body, so close to his dead body.

You hurt me so badly that night. Did you know that I died then? Not after and not before. I died that night. I died with Inuyasha. My love for you lived on inside of the zombie that had taken me over.

Things were different after that. There were no more gentle kisses after that night. There were only rough touches when you would make me bleed, and low screams as you hurt me again and again. I tried not to let the pain get to me, tried to convince myself that it was worth it because I loved you. And every night, after you forced me into your bed, taking your time to break me just a little bit more, you would tell me you were sorry. You would hold me, licking away my tears and blood, and you would tell me that one day you would kill me and put me out of my misery. 

But you didn't kill me; you brought me back. I remember it so clearly. The torture Naraku put me through when he caught me was in all meanings of the word, Hell. He told me again and again that you wouldn't come and save me. That you would thank him for riding you of such a burden as me. He told me everything he was going to do to you. He told me that I would get my revenge, that he would hurt you every single way that you had hurt me, then he would kill you and take your power. I didn't want you to hurt like that. I only wanted you to be held in someone's arms and soothed to sleep. I only ever wanted you to be loved.

_Your sins into me_

_Oh my beautiful one_

_Your sins into me_

_As your rapturous voice escapes I will tremble a prayer_

_And I beg for forgiveness_

_Your sins into me_

_Your sins into me_

Then I was floating. I thought maybe I was going to Hell. I would have waited for you there for an eternity. But maybe someone had taken pity on me; maybe they were sending me to the angels. I remember light.

I guess I'll never know, because soon I was being ripped away. I was screaming as my spirit was slammed back into my body. I opened my eyes and saw you. You were flying and carrying me in your arms. I held onto your neck for dear life. We landed somewhere, in the forest I think. All of my cuts and bruises and markings were gone. I realized what must have happened. Naraku had killed me; you brought me back. I screamed out. I tried to hurt you, but I was weak. I cried and you held me until sobs stopped wracking my body. You ran your hands through my hair. You hadn't done that in a long time, and it felt so nice. I realized how long I had let my hair get. It used to be about to my shoulder, but by then it had reached mid waist. 

Then I looked at you, and saw one single tear falling from your face. You were sad. You regretted it. You regretted everything. You told me that you wanted to take it back. You wanted to bring your brother back to life. You wanted to apologize to his wench for hurting him. But most of all, you wanted to go back to that day you first saw me. You wanted to go back and close your eyes, and never see me again. You wanted to will your desire away. You wanted to take back all of the awful things you had ever done to me.

Then you asked me for a second chance. You dared to ask me to take you back after all that you had done to me. I threw my arms around you and for the first time you let me touch you the way you had done so many times to me. You let me make love to you; let me show you how much you meant to me. I took you back. Of course I took you back. I loved you.

_(Cold in life's throw)_

_I fall asleep for you_

_(Cold in life's throw)_

_I only ask you turn away_

I never saw the rest of them again. Not the rest of my family. You said that they had been there when Naraku had been destroyed. They had tried to kill you, but had stopped when they saw you taking me away. You told them not to follow us. You told Kagome that you were sorry, and that you would give anything to bring him back. You told them that you were sorry for hurting me. You told them that this time, you would take better care of me. This time, you would cherish me. 

And you lied to them. You bastard. You loved me. I know you did. You never spoke it, but you still told me. You told me in the way you kissed me. You told me in the way you touched me. You told me in the way that you let me claim you as mine like you had done to me. 

_Cold in life's throw_

_I fall asleep for you_

_Cold in life's throw_

_I only ask you turn_

_And your sins _

_Into me_

_Oh my beautiful one now_

And then you left. You walked away from me. I don't remember it all exactly. I remember that you were holding me, and I was kissing you, and I was telling you how much I loved you. I was crying. I cried a lot since you brought me back. You kissed away my tears, and then pushed me underneath you. I was crying and moaning and begging him to forgive me for loving you under my breath. You were soft and gentle, making sure that I enjoyed it. I hated you for that. Sometimes I would have rather you hurt me again other then pleasuring me. 

You let me hold you and run my fingers through your hair. You had the most beautiful hair. It was so soft and silky. I didn't know that was the last time I would get to hold you. I didn't know it was the last time we would ever make love. 

The next morning you left. I woke up and you kissed me and you told me you were leaving. You told me that you couldn't bring yourself to kill me. I begged you to. How could you? You took away everything. You were the only reason that I had for living. You promised me. You promised. I asked if you would take me with you, wherever you were going I would follow you. You told me you were sorry. Sorry for making me what I was. What was I? What am I? 

_Your sins into me_

_Oh my beautiful one_

_Your sins into me_

_As your rapturous voice escapes I will tremble a prayer_

_And I beg for forgiveness_

_Your sins into me_

_Your sins into me_

_Oh my beautiful one_

I don't know anymore. I forgot what I was back then. I only remember after you. I loved you when I first saw you. I wanted you from that second. And I was so happy when you wanted me too, I let myself get lost. I let you break me and hurt me and take the love that I had for you, which was pure and unselfish, and turn it into pain and agony. You left me because you couldn't see me like this anymore. You couldn't see what I had become; become because you made me. 

You told me that one day, maybe you would come for me again. Maybe you would have the strength to kill me. When are you coming? Have you forgotten about me? I love you so much. So I sit here, huddled up against this tree, and I know I am going to die because of the grief. I don't care. I am going to go to Hell for all of the things that I have done; all of the things I let you do. And I'll wait for you. I'll always wait, because I love you. 

_Your sins into me_

_Oh my beautiful one_

_Your sins into me_

_As your rapturous voice escapes I will tremble a prayer_

_And I beg for forgiveness_

_Your sins into me_

_Your sins into me_

_Oh my beautiful one_

~~~

The song is "Silver and Cold" by AFI, off of the album Sing the Sorrow. My friend read this and she cried. It was sad was it not? I will NOT be writing another chapter for this. Honestly, I don't know how in the heck I came up with this. Damn my chubby little fingers. I swear they have a jungle...err brain of their own. Reviews are nice, but no flames. And that's pretty much the end of that. La la la *frolics away*


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